nothing

She can always say her mother is a housewife

2007-05-10T12:07:00.000+08:00

how to start this story is a problem to me.

i heard something sad
about an unknown friend of mine
who is a girl,
i wish i could see her face
when she said those words,
can i just go to her and ask her
to resay those words-how cruel of me?
but I can't resist to see her face
when she said those words-how selfish am i?
obviously i can't say those words,
as i only able to say B when what i meant is A.

But still i am not able to start the story,
maybe i can start it with a conversation

"what is your mother's job?"my sister
"she collects garbage for a living"unknown friend of mine

Majestic door

2007-05-03T10:12:00.000+08:00

i like majestic door
and i like it very much
like a stalker who fall in love
with his subject,
door with old colourful glasses
that many of us see in the Mosque and Church,
I guess perhaps one can find them in Jewish temple too,
I guess perhaps one can't find them in Buddhist temple,
glasses that remind me of my existense,
but that kind of door is very hard to find,
as it is only attached to a big house,
and yet it's not the combination of its colours
that attract me but the kind of life behind
those majestic door that intrigue me.

I like my voice

2007-04-23T16:51:00.000+08:00

i like my voice especially whenever
it says sorry,
it says thank you,
it sings a backup song,
it carries weight,
it tries to think and it fails,
it almost speechless,
it speaks the truth,
so transparent that I can even see your naked body
wrapped in your best cloth

Tribute to Someone Ordinary

2007-04-16T22:17:00.000+08:00

i say it quite often
my hand,
my foot,
my fingers,
my mouth,
my elbow,
my eyes,
my nose,
my lips,
my hair,
my tounge,
my penis,
my brain,
my life,
and i say it like i borrow them from someone!

Describe Me

2007-04-10T20:45:00.000+08:00

if you want me to describe you
then I can't describe
as my vocabullary are limited,
so limited that it makes my tounge hanging
somewhere inside my mouth-
if only i know how to fix a hanging tounge!
and thousand apologies for this disability
as I only able to think of you.

Want a bigger penis ?

2007-04-02T13:29:00.000+08:00

after sometimes i do realize that
your sentence is made of lies,
but please don't stop your lies
as i began to like your lies,
i like it when you keep saying
we are equal,
as if that is the only sentence you know,
or perhaps you just knew it and began to like it,
those words are simple,
and yet it's true-
in the sense that our blood is red,
and sweat will eventually turns into money,
and for that please keep lying to us,
and i'm lying if i say that
i don't like it when you
say that we are equal
and all this while
you keep opening the e-mail
that says "want a bigger penis?"

It is not a secret

2006-11-21T10:57:00.000+08:00

my daily prayers have being answered,
i guessed i've live long enough,
to see many colours and hear many sounds,
some are straight forward that i enjoy so much,
some are abstract that makes me wondering,
some are weird that i have to ask my friend,
so i pray to God to longer their lives as well,
for example they said that darkness is the colour of loneliness,
for example they said that emptiness is the sound that accompanying it
and night is what they produce,
and astoundingly, secret is what they tell,
night is usually when they cry, they cry a lot,
i guessed i've live long enough,
that i learn man does cry.

Sad is beautiful

2006-11-20T00:17:00.000+08:00

I'm sad,
really sad,
about something that i want to keep it to myself,
so lets call it a secret,
like the woman
i saw on the highway,
either her face
or her body i can't recall,
neither her feeling
nor my emotion i can't forget,
as rain was pouring,
and my windshield was blurring,
then lightning was hitting,
and thunder accompanying without any sign of stopping,
the steady steps she took in the rain
described everything but explained nothing,
everyone notices,
but no one knows why

The cloth on the cloth line

2006-11-02T12:10:00.000+08:00

i see them smile at me every morning,
the same familiar
white cloth diapers,
blue uniform,
shirt, trouser & pelikat
in their deteriorating colour,
hanging lively on the cloth line,
in orderly fashion,
resembling a mouth like figure,
that speaks about a baby,
about a loving mother,
about the sufferring of a caring father,
who works like a dog,
who can't afford what you can easily afford

and once a week,
a white school uniform joins the parade,
as usual it also smiles at me

clothes on the cloth line,
they speak a lot without voices,
in a peculiar language
that not everyone understand,
and yet truth is what they tell

Pretender

2006-11-01T15:04:00.000+08:00

i switch on the light,
to guide me in the darkness ,
but it blinks instead,
tick, tack, tick, tack,
black & white,
black & white,
tick, tack, tick, tack
my eyes widen like an owl,
my heart beating fast like nearing death,
but there's nothing to be seen,
except something is really wrong,
with the way you smile,
sweet & poisonous,
all the time pretending

i switch off the blinking light,
and that is the end

You in the horizon

2006-10-17T09:10:00.000+08:00

i see you in a distance,
your plump smile,
a thousand miles away,
i run for you,
like a tortoise,
like a rabbit,
like a horse,
like a cheetah,
as i can't resist your smile,
until i reach at the end of soil,
until i can't run anymore,
until in front of me is sea,
i stop there as i can't swim,
and still
i see you in a distance,
your plump smile,
a thousand miles away,
you in the horizon,
stick with the magnificent scenery

I am buying you a present

2006-10-13T10:33:00.000+08:00

and all of sudden,
these weird things happen;
my head is itching, spinning and dizzing
the shop should be smaller,
my leg is jumping, jogging and running,
one hour is never enough,
my hand is picking, throwing and trembling,
the size should be smaller or you should be smaller,
my eyes are flipping, staring and stalking
i wish it is red, pink or orange,
my mouth is swallowing, praising and cursing,
the salesman is useless,
my sweat is dropping, dropping and dropping,
Oh,no!the price is killing me,
my brain is pleasing, teasing and pleasing,
maybe it is wrongly tagged,
my heart is hesitating back and forth,
will it please you?

because i'm buying you a present

Loyal legs

2006-10-11T11:52:00.000+08:00

what will happen when suddenly
left becomes right,
and right becomes left,
and unexpectedly,
left moves forward,
and right moves backward?
will my legs lost its coordination and cross each other?
will they just become bored
and give up to move,
hoping that the destination will move instead?
those questions only produce more questions,
but my legs are my best friend,
i'm sure they will never forget,
to slow down the pace,
to give me time,
as usual,
each time when they pass your pretty house,
allow me to secretly whisper the magic words,
although as usual,
you will never notice my presence

In love with my fingers

2006-10-06T10:17:00.000+08:00

my fingers never once entwine,
dancing on the keyboard gracefully,
O' How i really love the moment
when they step on these letters
l.o.v.e

i think i fall in love

It's fate, isn't it?

2006-10-04T10:04:00.000+08:00

i'm not sure of how we met,
but i'm sure it's fate that we met,
after that i can't sleep anymore,
and it's fate that you can't sleep as well

to tell you the truth it's fate
that i like your cheap smell very much,
and i notice that it's fate
that it is the only fragrance you can afford

i thank god that from other man's view
it's fate that you are not beautiful
and from other girl's view,
it's fate that i'm not handsome at all

again if it is fate that i lost my hands and legs
will you take care of me?
as without hands i won't be able to caress you,
without legs i can't climb on you,
i afraid you won't recognise me anymore,
but if you still recognise me,
will you marry me?

But it was a swear

2006-10-02T08:43:00.000+08:00

that night,
i swore a lot,
as if god never exist,
i swore in my mother tongue,
so bad that you can tell it was a nasty swear
even if you don't understand my language,
so bad that if he was murdered that night
i would be the prime suspect,
in my swear he should be in hell,
and i should be in heaven,
i swore not only for him
but for his mother,his father,
accompanying him to hell as well,
like drugs and alcohol
it keeps going on without a pull stop,
so bad that i lost my voice,
i guessed that was the end of it,
but suddenly consciousness came with the ending,
i should have smile instead

I thank you

2006-09-26T15:53:00.000+08:00

i wish i can say thank you to anything,
anything with or without life,
and i don't expect anything but bless from them,
enough if they only know i thank them,
such as if i thank cloud,
it will break into tears,
for it must feel very happy

i wish i can say thank you
to anything for any reason,
to the automatic gate
for releasing me from the parking lot,
to the pillow
for giving me beautiful dreams,
to the cat
for exciting my endorphin,
to the back up singer
for not being a singer,
to the smoke
for residing in cigarrate,
to the drugs
for being so expensive,
to the rubbish
for jobs created,
to the beginning
for there always be an ending

just to let them know
how grateful i am,
before it's too late,
yes,before it's too late.

I am a fool because my love for you is unspoken

2006-09-21T11:14:00.000+08:00

it's logic to think that you cry for me,
in this kind of weather,
at this point of time,
when there's nobody besides you,
and your mind is empty,
you begin to think of me,
of how much i change over time,
and how much you hate them,
worst, you wonder how much more i will have to change,
and that's the point where you burst into tears,
as if your tears will miraculously change me,
in fact it does,
but my love is unspoken,
as we seldom speak,
believe me mother,
if i can reverse back the time,
i'll prove my love,
let me marry your mother,
and have you as my daughter,
this time,
let me take care of you.

To him do i tribute

2006-09-20T09:55:00.000+08:00

i scroll down the list,
when i don't have to scroll,
as i already know where to find,
but i scroll,
incase i am wrong,
although i know i couldn't be wrong,
i scroll from the earliest year,
although you were born 3 summers after,
name after name,
weird names like fruits and cakes,
some of them i fail to pronounce,
perhaps too much consonant involve,
there it goes,
unbold,
for countless times,
i see your name,
just before you died

Our life

2006-09-19T09:22:00.000+08:00

on the rooftop i smoke,
i see cars,
cars with names,
with status,
in different colours,
moving on the road with emotions,
without touching each other,
taking different path
to their home,
some does reach,
some are not

i see four tyres beneath their body,
with it i see one purpose of their creation

As what being told

2006-09-18T11:52:00.000+08:00

retrieved from my childhood memory,
a story need a handsome protagonist and ugly antagonist,
and as usual it starts with;

once upon a time, there live;
a villager,
a sheep,
a wolf,

a bullet being released,
predictably it hit the wolf

in another life, there live;
a villager,
a sheep,
a wolf,

a bullet being released,
predictably it hit the sheep

tell me who is who,
the ugly protagonist and handsome antagonist!

Strangest dream

2006-09-14T19:40:00.000+08:00

slowly you whispered to me,
something dark,
that ate all whiteness,
left me with nothing,
not even hope

night came,
so dark that it ate all logics,
for the first time,
i began to question,
why night has to be dark?

i began to dream peculiarly,
in my dream there's nothing,
not even me,
just pure darkness,
slowly i heard your whispers
in my mother tongue

i woke up,
i still remember,
it was the brightest morning sun ever produced,
that i completely forgot about yesterday

What's left of me

2006-09-13T12:15:00.000+08:00

this is me;
this beautiful body
& this splendid soul,
as what my mother's womb told,
exist longer than my ages,
than my memory,
unquestionable loyalty,
like a Siamese twin,
manipulating my blood & hormone,
sometimes others as well,
producing countless feelings,
feelings that are comforting & disturbing,
all are welcomed,
but not this weird feeling,
feeling that can't be described;

what's left of me
when people whom i love die?

prove to me your maturity,
neither of you to commit suicide!

Don't be selfish

2006-09-11T16:46:00.000+08:00

is it a burden,
to preserve the people you love
in your memory;
the way they eat while sitting,
the way they walk while eating,
the blood's transition in their face when they are talking,
their voices when they say thank you,
anything that picture can't tell,
anything that word can't describe

those memories,
unlike other memories,
never turn itself into money,
as money will never turn itself into them,
but you will need them,
somewhere when you no longer find them,
someday when they no longer exist

Ingredients

2006-09-09T09:47:00.000+08:00

a lot of flour,
a little bit of salt,
sugar,
& yeast,
appropriate amount of water,
that is called bread,
put a little bit of garlic,
now call it garlic bread

calm,
longing,
worries,
doubt,
lust,
mix them wisely
or foolishly,
that is called love,
put some passion inside,
now call it eternal love

Slit

2006-09-06T00:11:00.000+08:00

for a moment,
if you are blind,
then slit your ego's throat,
leave your clothes,
clothes that kill other clothes,
but do not be naked,
as penis does have size,
wears only cloth,
made of something everyone can buy,
perhaps in white,
with no string attached,
in the name of god
you will see,
brighter than eyes,
as i have witness it,
in the face
of a blind woman,
with heart in almost perfect shape,
like in our childhood drawing,
like what you & me draw

open your eyes and be blind again

Curry-puff

2006-09-01T04:42:00.000+08:00

i hate curry puff,
when the filling is red,
as if it is
made from
red blood
of innocent child
that unfit to be killed
in a war,
unjustice,
contradictly justifiable

no surprise,
there are people who like
it to be in thick red,
taking every bite gluttonously!

You and nobody

2006-08-26T15:17:00.000+08:00

believe me,
you with nobody,
bad thoughts will come,
so potent that
only a fraction is enough
to leave unbearable burden inside your brain,
temporarily if you gets lucky,
worse it stucks forever,
such as when it starts to rain,
a tiny drop translates into a note,
then as the rain progress,
in turns into a song,
with a sad chorus,
perhaps in A minor..
anxiety emerges,
rationality submerges,
tears fall down

after all these years,
i hope you are not alone,
as i have leave my presence during my absence,
in a form that only love can tell,
like i felt less lonely upon your inexistance

Friend

2006-08-26T00:39:00.000+08:00

it takes 26 years,
it takes a life time,
it need another hundred years,
to unmask the mask,
without hurting the face

indeed,
you are my friend,
if not how can i tell;
out of all visibility
that the smokes belong to you,
out of all pleasant sounds
that your voice are lying,
out of all possible facial expressions
that your smiles are playing hide & seek,
out of all sequence of words
that your joke is not yours,

life is great,
it might takes second ,
and if it is not a friend
than it is not a foe either

Name

2006-08-17T23:36:00.000+08:00

i hope you forgot my name.

i call you
father,
mother,
brother,
sister,
my love,
not by your beautiful name,
nor by the meaning it carries,
maybe i always forgot,

as half of my brain is occupied by
your smiles,
smells,
words,
laughters,
tears,
and memories

and the other half is thinking on behalf of you while you're sleeping.

Hen of God

2006-08-16T22:33:00.000+08:00

i see hen,
in their houses,
mini cages that they call houses,
on their way to heaven,
as if caste exist among them,
stack on each other (on the overweight lorry),
but caste proves to be useless,
as the feeling throughout the journey is just the same

i see hen,
all of them,
crying helplessly,
fatigue,
suffocated,
not moving,
but not yet dead,
in their last pleading posture,
not for their independence,
but only to be killed,
perhaps by a slaughter,
not by an electrician nor a doctor
in respective manner,
smooth,
fast,
heartful

i don't see hen anymore,
i see tasty chicken,
in salad,
sauces,
soup,
and rice

It's a cycle

2006-08-10T23:59:00.000+08:00

It's a cycle:
pain,
agony,
anger,
revenge

when they said pain,
no painkiller can kill the pain
when they said agony,
no word can comfort what they endure
when they said anger,
not even water can extinguish the flame
when they recite revenge,
not even holocaust can satisfy them

sleeps well

My Pillow

2006-08-03T18:51:00.000+08:00

my pillow,
listen to me,
i like you to be in my cuddle,
naked without a cloth attaches,
accompany me in night time,
just like my shadow does in day time,
but you are everywhere;
between my legs,
on my chest,
on my head,
as if trying to run away from me,
but i know you won't betray,
as you still smells of me

my pillow,
i like you as it is,
never speak, eat, smile & cry
and that's why you will never die,
like my family & friends,
and i don't have to bear the pain of losing you someday!

my pillow,
my friend caught me speaking with you,
....next time i'll close the door.

Wondering

2006-08-01T13:43:00.000+08:00

in the flight i fly,
wondering is it because of the aerial view
that God knows everything?
but everything escape my eyes,
i can only see lights below,
pure light as if hanging from nowhere,
many of them forming something abstract,
and above i can only see darkness,
many of them that makes me blind,
and lost of place & time,
nothing else can be seen,
unless the flight crash,
then i see God

Take my hormone

2006-08-01T13:31:00.000+08:00

i swear i love you,
believe me,
as if my swear is not enough,
take my hormone,
each time my eyes meet your eyes,
each time my ears hear you talking,
each time my nose smells of you,
each time my skin touch yours,
each time you see me alone,
each time my heart beating fast when my body nears you,
even if i'm dead! take my hormone

Detective Smokes

2006-07-24T16:41:00.000+08:00

inhale!
my dear friend,
i give you a fraction of second,
token of appreciation,
to travel inside me freely,
enjoy your trip to my brain

learn about my darkest secrets,
don't laugh at them,
delete them to prove me your loyalty,
learn about my previous & next wishes,
wishes that need to be unfullfilled,
learn about my pain and their pain,
a little bit of my happiness,
much of other people's happiness,
not to forget,
please!
help me!
excites the tiny particle called love

before you leave,
drive yourself to my lung,
send my regard to them,
slowly recite them my apologies

exhale!
my dear friend,
tell your friend that you are addicted to me,
then, die and bury my secrets with you

Vegetables

2006-07-22T22:29:00.000+08:00

it is in the market,
on the shelf,
in front of the women,
where the best show happened,
naked in its best condition,
matured but fresh as newborn,
it glitters in the morning light,
smiling like a whore;
beautiful,
persuasive,
who can't be tempted?
please!
allow me to exploit your beauty

then,
allow me to kill you
but before that,
teach me;
lemon grass, onion, ginger, carrot and tomatoes,
how do you perfectly mix colour with smell?
if only we know!

The Big Man

2006-07-21T16:11:00.000+08:00

in the night time,
the big man sad,
curl in bed like a prawn in a dish
ready to be ate

just nearly accomplish everything,
he asked me just to celebrate him,
so i clapped for his victory
but he was deaf,
i smile for his speech
but he was blind

then,
gaining his hearing back,
he could hear my claps clearly,
unfortunately my middle finger was up,
in his reality,
it was overwhelming,
suddenly he smiles

Love Her

2006-07-17T15:11:00.000+08:00

now you have married,
perhaps with a woman you love,
definately not with a woman that i loved,
i guess you love the whole of her,
not loving her parts by parts,
as if, if you are hungry you will eat the whole of her,
not parts by parts,
kiss her in all emotions,
even in black emotions,
and your kiss will last forever,
teach yourself to love her physiques,
of all her possible mediums;air,water,soil
because every she is destined to die,
only love that remains.

Kosong

2006-07-17T12:20:00.000+08:00

Feeling alone and empty,
i began to talk with
the wall,
the lamp post,
the big tree,

i don't trust anyone
so i began to talk with
the wall,
the lamp post,
the big tree,

My body is so tired
that i began to hear
the wall,
the lamp post,
the big tree,
singing a lovely death song

mother! forgive me if suddenly you see me talking to them

help me,
find me,
behind the white wall,
in the night time under the lamp post,
shed by the big tree

The Boy

2006-07-12T19:25:00.000+08:00

I looked him deep in the eyes,
and it read me his plain pain,
strange,
just pure pain,
no anger,
no remorse,
no revenge,
no happiness,
not even tears

Then it blinked,
I'm suffocated,
as it read me my feeling,
anger,
remorse,
revenge,
sadness,
i closed my eyes,
but it was too late

i began to cry

That Time

2006-07-11T19:33:00.000+08:00

Time moves fast
when it carries burden,
unmeasurable,
unlike its two weird siblings
of the same father;
light and sound,
measured to be a constant

Suddenly
it stops,
ironically when there's no more burden

Let's Talk - The Cat

2006-07-05T09:56:00.000+08:00

let's talk,
about the uncastrated cat,
that incest with its own sister,
night and day,
producing erotic sound in cat's language,
will it turn us on if we understand?

let's talk
the cat's smile,
so jovial although unemployed,
so pure like a blank sheet of paper,
nothing to hide,
as i know all the secrets

let's talk,
teach him the sound of your car,
so that it can welcome you home,
and miss you when you're gone

let's talk
give it fish,
so that it can sleep well,
wherever it is,
on the rooftop,
in the blanket of his sister's arm,
dreaming of heaven for his blesphemy

Let's talk - It's Not Fair

2006-07-04T12:57:00.000+08:00

let's talk
it's not fair,
to think that i forgot about you,
your smile, voice, eyes
most of all your existance,
as i forgot about how many dogs died by the roadside,
(during my trip to office)
as everyone forgot that one day they will die,

let's talk
its fair,
to live the day like i always remember you,
like nobody forget about the myth of holocaust

let's talk
it's not fair,
for others to ask me to describe you,
to measure your love,
as i can't describe you,
if i can then i won't call you what i call you today
or should it end like this
if i can then i will start calling you bitch

Let's talk - The Cheated

2006-07-04T11:26:00.000+08:00

let's talk,
you be the cheater,
and i be the cheated

let's talk
cheat me about cigarrates,
sports car,
george soros or alan greenspan,
sado & masochist,
past,
present,
future,
white & red,
white & green,
grape & apple,
human & ape,
any object & subject,
not to forget about the para glider,
about the 28 mountains you climbed,
but please finish your cheat: why does it have to be 28?

let's talk
so many things to be your favorite subjects,
abruptly you choose to be silence?
we both know our role,
your past were good,
your future were great

let's talk
how do you feel?
cheat me again about your feeling

Let's talk - The Cleaner

2006-07-03T16:28:00.000+08:00

let's talk,
yes! about the women,
the cleaner who clean your dirt,
finally, I know,
that's how she earn money,

let's talk
about how less she make,
how much i make,
who rob her money?

let's talk,
of how the son feel when he talk,
of how the mom feel when she heard,
of how i feel when i heard them

let's talk,
about when i heard the conversation,
when the little son ask,
"Mom what are you doing"
and the reply goes
"I'm cleaning the shit"

please don't talk

Let's talk - The Soul

2006-07-03T15:43:00.000+08:00

Tonight! let's talk,
with the soul,
blessed from above

let's talk
but the muted soul won't talk,
then i cry because it won't talk

let's talk,
now it is not me who say let's talk,
the soul tries to talk,
but now i am deaf

i want to enter the body,
to behave as a friend to the soul,
to feel the blood,
to feed the every cell,
to know how hard it is

because i know it won't enter mine

Last! let's talk,
because i need to know who muted you,
then we can impale them